Friday, March 18, 2011

The Countdown Has Commenced

This is the beginning of my last week as a Miss. Not that I'm expecting much of a change, aside from my name and my ability to say 'my husband.'

It's a silly thing, but for almost two years I've cringed every time I've had to say 'my boyfriend' or heard Paul say 'my girlfriend.' The connotation behind the words seemed so inadequate to describe what he means to me, and hopefully what I mean to him.

And to say fiance? It seems so pretentious. I feel as if my nose turns up as I sound out the syllables. But to say my is the most natural thing in the world. The era of cringing is almost over.

I'm nervous, but not about the typical things. There are no cold feet huddling in the shoes of this bride-to-be. No, I'm nervous that I've forgotten an important detail because of my lack of list-making. Each plan is safely stored in my head and no other place, and I have no idea if I've hit each point or missed a giant glaring necessity.

I'm nervous at the thought of 80 of my closest friends and family staring at me. I didn't even think about it until I attended my own bridal shower and realized that 15 ladies were there for me. I didn't do well, and that makes me nervous about how much worse it will be for the actual wedding. My plan is to focus on Paul and pretend the rest of you aren't there. But if I'm shaking and sweating and dizzy and my chest and neck are red and splotchy, please do me the courtesy of pretending I'm not there. I've made my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

As my mom always says, at the end of the day we will be married, and that's all that matters. What it comes down to is that I want this to be a fun day for everyone. I don't want it to be about me...I want it to be for everyone--a family celebration and a cultural tradition.

I want to enjoy myself, I want to make memories, and I want it to be over.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just a Moment, Let Me Check. Yup--I Do Have a Pulse

I wouldn't blame you if you've assumed that I've died--flattened by some runaway delivery truck or poisoned by copious amounts of milk and cucumber, or a jealous ex-lover. Although...if you're reading this you are probably related to me, and thereby know that I am neither flattened nor poisoned nor terminated by any other traumatic event. I'm just...lazy. And maybe uninspired.

Although I've laid down my pen these past few months I've never stopped reading, and by reading I think I've come to understand what I dislike about my blog. Simply put, people's lives are boring. Especially people who think their lives are amazingly interesting. I don't want to read about it, and I really don't want to write about it, and I'm afraid that's the direction that my words were beginning to head.

So I guess the bottom line is this: I need a theme. Or at least a hobby. Or even an existential occurance. I don't know.

So, while I haven't actually written anything, you should probably know that I think about this every single day, and every single day I fail to conceive any idea that I find worthy of putting to paper.

But I won't stop trying.