This is the beginning of my last week as a Miss. Not that I'm expecting much of a change, aside from my name and my ability to say 'my husband.'
It's a silly thing, but for almost two years I've cringed every time I've had to say 'my boyfriend' or heard Paul say 'my girlfriend.' The connotation behind the words seemed so inadequate to describe what he means to me, and hopefully what I mean to him.
And to say fiance? It seems so pretentious. I feel as if my nose turns up as I sound out the syllables. But to say my husband...it is the most natural thing in the world. The era of cringing is almost over.
I'm nervous, but not about the typical things. There are no cold feet huddling in the shoes of this bride-to-be. No, I'm nervous that I've forgotten an important detail because of my lack of list-making. Each plan is safely stored in my head and no other place, and I have no idea if I've hit each point or missed a giant glaring necessity.
I'm nervous at the thought of 80 of my closest friends and family staring at me. I didn't even think about it until I attended my own bridal shower and realized that 15 ladies were there for me. I didn't do well, and that makes me nervous about how much worse it will be for the actual wedding. My plan is to focus on Paul and pretend the rest of you aren't there. But if I'm shaking and sweating and dizzy and my chest and neck are red and splotchy, please do me the courtesy of pretending I'm not there. I've made my stomach hurt just thinking about it.
As my mom always says, at the end of the day we will be married, and that's all that matters. What it comes down to is that I want this to be a fun day for everyone. I don't want it to be about me...I want it to be for everyone--a family celebration and a cultural tradition.
I want to enjoy myself, I want to make memories, and I want it to be over.